He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
