My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
