i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
