i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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