my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
