remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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