We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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