I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
