i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
