If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
