I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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