I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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