I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
