That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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