3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm gonna have a badass scar
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just invented taco cereal.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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