No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
