The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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