mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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