I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
