Say something about gay babies.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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