no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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