I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize