I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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