You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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