so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
