He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
