so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
