Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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