is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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