dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
