i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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