Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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