dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
