someone get that fucking seahorse.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
