i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize