if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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