you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need a beard to bite.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
