For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
