If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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