honey bunches of taint.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
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Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
BRING THE BAGELS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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