I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
whose parrot is this?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
