she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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