paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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