My brain says no but my pants say off.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
