So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
