i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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