i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
