Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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