I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
