Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All the doctor said was why
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
