forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
