ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
