he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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