The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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