Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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