Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can you bring me the toilet please
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
