On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
