Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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