these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
