i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
