I just threw up on my dentist
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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